Parenting Skills

The topic of parenting is one that is near and dear to my heart. There are various tools that I’m constantly grasping to acquire in my tool box. What is the purpose of parenting? A definition that I created is as follows, “To protect, educate, prepare children to survive, and thrive in the world they will live in.” My husband and I have different views on parenting. Being that we originated from different family systems, and our rules and roles differed greatly. Now, being transparent it takes a great investment of time to come to a complete consensus. I’m currently enrolled in a parenting class in addition to my Family Relations class, and I’m retaining some crucial key concepts. I have been acquiring some fantastic tools for my tool box. A book that I highly recommend is by Dr. Hiam Ginott, “Between Parent and Child”, I have found remarkable success already with the responses between my children and me. My spouse has began reading the book and the goal is for us to be unified as parents when it comes to parenting. He has not had the blessing of knowledge constantly being instructed weekly. He is at a bit of a disadvantage when it comes to the subject of parenting. He is learning through my example and I must be most patient with his progress just like in any subject. I find it so easy to jump in and intervene and want to correct his attempt, but this is only hurting myself and enabling him. I have seen this with the opposite side of the spectrum with the husband jumping in and enabling the wife. Ultimately, it’s vital to have both sets of parents on the same page. This will provide consistency and allow mutual respect for both parents and children. I have friends that are single mothers ask, “how do you begin this transition form two parents to one?” I think its just allowing room for stretching and growing. With the implementation of consistency.  In my own family we have had to have lots of patience with each other. This change that has taken place has proven to be difficult, and I must remember that we are indeed stretching and growing as a family.

I have learned this week in how to take the word Responsibility and break into sections. Response.ability.  When it comes to teaching our children responsibility I believe in actions rather than just words. We must show them and teach them. The following can be an equation to follow: choices+ consequences (putting the word response.ability under the line).

                                                                                                                               

When we allow our children choices and consequences that are age appropriate and situation appropriate, we are in return teaching them responsibility. I have watched with my children the response is indeed quite different depending on male/female. With my son he works best shoulder to shoulder. For example, he loves to help with the dishes, he will work by my side and we can accomplish the task together. Another example is he enjoys working with his hands and doing more outdoor recreation. Just yesterday he was helping me shovel snow. He enjoyed pushing the shovel around and watching the snow pile up, and then quickly dumping it in a larger pile (his ideal thinking was to create a snow man of course). My girls both enjoy working face to face. My oldest loves to fold laundry and have what she calls, “girl talk”, we can openly and safely talk about her day and sometimes the concerns and solutions to her problems. My younger daughter like to play pretend. We like to rotate in being different individuals. She has loved the name Crystal since she could talk, and that is her character preference of choice.  She created the character, Rosa (roll the R) for me. Rosa is a lady that is multicultural individual, and can speak Spanish. I love being ROSA! When I took a Spanish class in high school my Spanish name was, Rosa Maria. I know little Spanish; however, I love this game because I get to practice some of the few words that I know in Spanish and then teach her in return. We really enjoy this game and it allows our minds to be creative while getting our work done. The science behind this that I’m teaching them responsibility while letting them express themselves. There are days where I do have to provide choices when it comes to housework. I believe that always cleaning up after them is doing a disservice not only to children, but to the parents. Ways that I have found that work for me and my children is offering them choices. “Okay, who is going to pick up the socks, and who is going to pick up the pillows.” While I’m picking up with them we are working together and teaching respose.ablity at the same time. The home is place we all reside therefore everybody needs to contribute. I’m one to not pay children when it comes to contributing to household chores.  Perhaps, they earn money(allowance) for certain extracurricular activities, and items they want to purchase, etc. Dr. Ginott gives a little insight on allowance, “to provide experience in the use of money be exercising choices and assuming responsibilities.” I find this to be helpful when it comes to the thinking patterns of allowance.  

The last thought I would share is the importance of problem solving and administering consequences. “The more you seek to control the less you get to influence your children” (Miller, 2017).  Popkin’s parenting diagram is one that I really soaked in. When it comes to problems regarding the child and parents, one must ask themselves, “who’s problem is this?” For instance, let’s say you lend your teenage child your car. When your rushing out the door for work in the morning you tank is completely empty. Whose problem is this? It is the parents, you lent them YOUR car. Now had it been their car then it is their problem. Popkin states it’s important to 1. State a polite request (can you please put gas in the car before you return home).  2. “I statement”, for example. When you________ (in this case take my car, and don’t fill the gas tank. I feel___ (state emotion)____ (upset and it makes it hard to trust you). Because_______ (because I want you to understand the importance of building trust and being responsible). I would like______ (I would like you to find your own transportation for the next few days). The most important concept to factor in is to provide a natural consequence. Something that you can both live with. If you rely on the child to help get other siblings around, you may have to do something that is logical for both you and the child.  Keep in mind you will find the verbiage that works best for you. I have found this works well for couples, and even dealing with adult to adult conversations.

Just this week I was able to try some of Popkins methods. My daughter left her rollerblades at the bottom of the stair well. I had politely requested earlier in the week for her to put them away as they have ended up all over the house. I was firmer with her in my second attempt and let her know the importance of picking up (it also was a hazard to anyone else coming up and down the stairs). I was at the point where it was just not soaking in.  I decided to let her choose what her consequence should be. He logical consequence was to sit in the corner for 10 minutes, and then she was to do her sister chores for a week. I thought, “what a consequence!” I decided to intervene because I felt like this was little extreme. We deiced together that if they were out again they would just automatically go into the garage, and on a shelf that she could not attain them for the duration of three days. I would then allow the skates to be played with once again once the three days had passed. We would continue to do this every time the skates were left out, and she was aware of the future consequence. I have not had to put the skates up since. I followed though as a parent with instilling a consequence, yet I forgave her, and we talked about what we learned from this experience. I believe this is teaching her that I do care about her, and that I’m putting boundaries for both her and I. The most important thing is that it I’m providing consistency and in return this will allow her to believe that I’m a "fair parent.”