Communication & Problem Solving
Communication, “use of language and nonverbal signs to create
a shared meaning between two people.” (Miller, 2017). I think one of the most imperative ways that social
creatures can engage with one another is through effective communication. I
have come to comprehend and fully understand that as human beings the meaning
of communication we convey to others depends on more than our intention. There are
several encompassing factors in the way we communicate. I learned this week in
my FAML 160 class the stimuluses in conversations are as follows, words (14%)
of the message, tone (35%), and nonverbal (51%). Ally Isom author of, Faith-Centered Dialectics:
Talking About Differences Transforms, allows society to comprehend four substantial
principals, “Words matter, people matter, you matter, we matter.” I really
enjoyed her online article and I encourage individuals to follow the link here
below and read her inspiring words. https://www.fairmormon.org/conference/august-2016/faith-centered-dialectics
. Ally uses an analogy that makes perfect sense to me in how mortals communicate
currently today.
“There were in the freezing north woods two porcupines
huddled together to keep warm. But when they got close, their quills pricked
each other and they had to move apart. They needed each other for the
warmth, but they needled each other with their sharp quills. Aren’t
people often like those porcupines? We need each other, but we often approach
the solution from completely different directions. And when we start to get
close and work together we inadvertently poke and hurt one another. Working
together requires care and patience; otherwise, someone gets hurt.” (Isom,
2016).”
I have expressed before the importance of words and how we
use them is vital when it comes to communication. The tone is a crucial factor,
and how many times has this proven to lead or end a conversation? I can remember
when I have communicated with various individuals and their tone of voice has led
me to either engage in conversation or completely tune out and even shut off my
listening ears. I think that if we clearly know what we are trying to
accomplish and allow the other individuals to feel validated the tone of the
voice can be either a slicing sword or a delicate flower.
What I found to be most alarming are the statistics
on nonverbal communication. I’m not sure if individuals really comprehend how
damaging this can be when communicating with others. I think many can relate
with nonverbal cues, such a nod, or raise of the eyebrow, or smirk. Perhaps some
may relate with the less subtle cues such as a look, and that look is one that
can make you feel a bit uneasy. It is one that says, “I’m ticked, and you know
you are in trouble.” I know that look all too well. It’s interesting my parents
each had their own versions of this look and I KNEW I WAS IN BIG TROUBLE! What
I find most thought-provoking is that I adapted this same method of communication
with my own children. They know when they have crossed the line and the look
says it all. Nonverbal cues can also actually be verbal such as using small
short phrases, mmm-hmm, or hum? It can even be a series of sounds, grunt, pssh (the
sound of air leaking from your tires, my dad would literally ask me if I had an
air leak), argh, etc. Can you imagine
when a snarky connotation is provided with these cues? These kinds of cues drive
me crazy when individual’s express them. Internally I’m trying to process what they are
thinking? Are you annoyed and ticked off and are internally screaming leave me alone?
Or are you sidetracked and just agreeing to agree? Do you see where this can
get misconstrued? What often happens is that we begin with a thought or feeling,
and our brain is the encoder, when we send the message there can be static,
(nonverbal cues, aloofness, background noise and outer and inner distraction)
and then the receiver will try and decode the message. Look at the following Diagram below.
I have learned how significant
it is to sate the emotion that you are feeling. From many wise owls throughout my life I have learned
that anger is a secondary emotion, it is often hiding the true emotion (fear, sadness,
anxiousness, etc.) Dr. Hiam G. Ginott author of, “Between Parent and Child”, provides
key concepts when conversing with our children, and I believe can be effective when
conversing with one another. “1. We accept the fact that we will sometimes get
angry in dealing with children. 2. We are entitled to our anger without guilt
or shame. 3. Except for one safeguard, we are entitled to express what we feel.
We can express our angry feelings provided we do not attack the child’s
personality or character.” [48]. I have found that when I express my anger in these
ways it allows for a better understanding of what I’m expecting and how I’m
feeling. It allows the receiver to know I’m upset and does not leave them
trying to guess what is going on internally.
I have been working on listening more and bridling my tongue.
The tongue being one of the strongest members in the body can really slice
through to the very core. Sometimes, people just need somebody to listen to
them, and not fix them. This is a challenging thing for me to embrace, I love
to engage in conversation and try and share what I know, and provide words of
comfort. However, I have learned when people ask then they shall receive
(meaning my tidbits of knowledge). What if we were to wait…to be directed upon
by the higher power that we find comfort in? Well, I believe we would begin to
see marvelous things being to happen in our lives, and the way we communicate.
What if…
Not all nonverbal cues are bad... sometimes we all need to have a little fun!
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