Understanding Family Theories and Boundaries

Understanding Family Theories and Boundaries  

“We are social creatures- Intimacy is a need... not an option.” (Lauer, Lauer). When the word intimacy is presented in a conversation… the context of the word could be dispersed in a variety of ways. Intimacy: “Which involves love, affection, caring, and deep attachment to a friend, lover, spouse, or relative.” (Lauer, Lauer). The intimacy that I would like to touch base on is family origin. Lauer states, “Your first experience of intimacy occurs in the family into which you were born- your family of origin.” I have been reflecting this week on my family’s origin, not my little Tidwell family, but the family that I was born into… The Scott Family. Growing up I always felt that my family was very close. I guess you could say that our family borders were a bit closed, we felt the need to love, protect, and shelter from the outside world. My parents at times could become “enmeshed” into our personal identities, insuring that we were being taught correct principles. I often find myself practicing this type of family boundary in my own children. In wanting so badly to teach them and help them to make correct choices in life. Even though they are young, they still are learning the beautiful gift that god gave each of his children, agency. As their mother, I have come to a greater understanding of the difference between shielding or sheltering and educating. A concept from a highly esteemed confidant taught me was this, “You cannot play god, you must allow others to make their own choices.”

My parents also practiced open family boundaries. Often, they would allow us to bring home a variety of friends. They allowed my siblings and I to practice the ability of discernment when it came to friends. They would lend a hand when our judgment was a bit clouded. My father was more ridged in this department and it would really irritate me, though his intuition was usually spot on. As a parent, now I’m grateful for his helping hand. I can now look back and see that in my teenage years I would allow emotional reactions to control my inability to respond thoughtfully. I think it’s important to “develop our cognitive functions so that our behavior is not driven mainly by emotion”.  Let me re-iterate the importance of a simple principle, though it’s something that I am constantly working on. One must learn to respond thoughtfully or cognitively rather than react emotionally.

Family: “Unity of interacting personalities.” (Lauer, Lauer). As I mentioned before a family is made up of a system and each family member plays a role in their own families. Often, the order of birth can be a large factor when it comes to roles. Being the oldest I considered myself the mother hen. My siblings would say, more like bossy. My parents made sure that I understood that being the oldest meant I was the role model. I have talked to several friends or peers who are the oldest, and their role was often to be the leader or role model. I think that this role also came with high expectations, and when they were not met, it caused stress between the parent and child. I came to realize that oldest child is the experiment child. Parents are learning as they go and establishing boundaries and family rules. Therefore, the oldest child may be bossy, and may be weighed with many responsibilities. Though I can honestly say, I think that it makes them a stronger individual.

What role did you establish in your family? I find that these roles will often fluctuate. I can remember shifting my role when under pressure, and the whole family dynamics changed. The system was off balance. However, I noticed that when one family member strays from their role a shift will take place. Sometimes the family will unite and work together and bring that member back to safety. Other times the change may not be temporary, it is more permanent. When this happens a change in the family situation can occur. When a change such a divorce occurs, “the family rules will differentiate it from other family systems and eliminate its boundaries.” (Lauer, Lauer).

I have not been able to pinpoint my feelings or thoughts when my parents divorced. I knew that my family or family system was not ever going to be the same. For so many years I’ve processed a diverse feeling of emotions. I can now understand why it has been challenging for me in so many ways. My family origin completely changed. Our intimate family was no longer just our family of origin. New family boundaries and roles were to be redirected. Even though the shift in the family’s origin has allowed growth, sometimes growing hurts and it can be painful. Though I found this quote fitting of how growth with the people you love can change the heart. “If for a while the harder you try, the harder it gets, take heart. So it has been with the best people who have ever lived.” (Holland, J). We are all social creatures seeking to find intimacy with one another. It is not an option it is therefore a must. “Intimacy with another person is powerful and universal- all people in all societies are driven to make intimate connections with others.” (Lauer, Lauer) .

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